Still Here: Q3 Check In On 2020 Goals
No tears this time around. Wild how three months will do that to you, isn’t it? Take you and reflect you back to yourself, warped and wavy along the edges.
Time is funny that way. Years feel infinite until you break them up into their disparate days. Every time I sit down to write one of these, I feel like it’s been hours since I did the last one, like I couldn’t possibly have lived a quarter of a year in between. But I have. And that quarter of a year was made up of moments. Some felt never-ending—every time I did a set of burpees, or lost myself in a book, or got caught in heartbreak’s undertow—and others felt finite even as they were happening: watching a marshmallow brown at the end of my stick, feeling a dough form under my hands, looking at perfectly calm water, dancing hard enough to shake the deck and make the dead herbs tremor in their terracotta pots.
Q3 wasn’t what I expected, not when I wrote my 2020 goals, or my Q1 check-in, or my Q2 update. This whole year has felt like skiing backwards. I have no illusions about neatly slaloming through the flags. I’ll be happy enough to make it down the mountain.
But despite the exhausting emotional ups and downs of this last quarter—the fear of a deadly pandemic and the guilt over weathering only a bit of its impact; the anxiety and the optimism about not knowing what’s next; the persistent ache of missing the person who was home and the fledgling faith that I’ll find a way through it—there have been wins. I have met professional goals I thought were still years off. I have written a bit, read a lot, and learned still more. I have climbed a few mountains and earned a dozen game avatars on Neopets.
I will celebrate those.
I will stare at my failures, too, because that’s still rich space for growth, but this quarter, I will take an extra beat to celebrate the wins.
I don’t know what the rest of this year will look like. Or the next. I don’t know where I’ll be or how I’ll feel or what new medium-term goals I’ll be going after. The only things that seem knowable at all is that normalcy is still a long way away and we’re all still making it up as we go along.
So I’ll keep doing that.
And here’s how I’ve done at that over the last three months:
Keep traveling to new places and reflecting on who I am in them.
1. Travel continuously. How? Be on the road for at least four months of the year.
I’m putting this one on pause. One, I don’t think I’m interested in continuous travel very much, at least not in the quick-turn way I’ve been before, where I spend just a few nights in each city before moving to the next one. I still have a lot of desire to explore different places, but I’d like to do so in a longer-term way. Two, it’s not safe to do that right now.
2. Keep figuring out where I want to call home. How? Travel the rest of Central America and see if there’s anywhere that feels like home. Write a list of qualities I’d like in my future home + a list of places that come close. Figure out where to go after a US trip mid-next year and go there.
This should be on pause, too, I suppose. I did write my list of qualities for my future home (you can see it in my Q2 blog). The more I think about it, the more I’m intrigued by a possibility of trying to live + make a community somewhere in Europe, like London or Madrid or Berlin.
Until it’s safe to try that, I will continue to find housing situations that make sense for me and meet my three short-term criteria: affordable, offer access to outdoor space/nature, and come with a built-in community of friends & support.
I spent the majority of Q3 in Washington state, where all my criteria were met and I had a real chance to heal. I haven’t been traveling in the traditional sense, but I have visited a lot of state and national parks out here and each has brought me a great deal of joy.
3. Reflect on how travel influences me and teaches me. How? Write at least one big travel-focused reflection essay a quarter.
On track to be a win, though travel has needed to be a little more inwardly focused. I wrote about figuring out my life philosophy this quarter. I started the essay from my quarantine apartment in Ann Arbor and finished it in Bellingham, Washington, and that’s about all the real travel I did this quarter.
Maintain financial independence while pursuing a balance of professional and lifestyle fulfillment.
1. Make enough money writing and editing to fund my travels while not working so much I can’t enjoy the travel itself. How? Make 3k/month while not working more than 20 hours/week.
This is a win twice over. I’ve doubled my income goal while not spending more than 20 hours a week on paid work. Next year, I’ll keep 6k/month as my bare-minimum target and hope to double that again (which I’ve already done twice in the last few months). It feels strange to be feeling more secure than ever about my freelance career and finances in a period where so many are struggling, but it’s where I am.
Diversifying my client base–and spending less time on pitching and writing journalistic or personal pieces, unfortunately—has let me feel like I’m going into the end of this year strong, which feels especially good considering the rocky footing I’m on in other parts of my life.
And the 20 hours thing continues to make me very happy. It works well with my working style and my interests. It’s what lets me read so much and write so much for myself, and I’m really proud of securing myself that time.
My workdays usually look like me waking up and spending an hour reading a combination of news and essays and/or working on my own fiction or essays, then jamming on 3-4 hours of work while my brain is fresh. I like to finish one medium thing (like a client article), to make progress on one big thing (like outlining an SEO page), and to finish a few small things (like sending an invoice, checking in on a pitch, or responding to emails). I also have a few weekly meetings with clients that usually happen in my late morning. I go for a walk in the afternoon and sometimes spend it on the phone with clients or friends, and otherwise listen to music, read Twitter, or read a book. I come home, work out, cook and eat dinner, clean up, and do something fun and mindless—a puzzle, Neopets, a TV show—until bedtime, sometimes doing a bit of work before sleep if I feel like I didn’t get enough done that day.
After following someone else’s routine for so long at my full-time job, then throwing routines completely out the window and traveling around for two years, I love this happy medium where I get to build myself a little routine that is fully optimized to me and my preferences and that I can throw away when I feel like it. (Like when I took yesterday off to hike up to Blue Lake, which was just…gorgeous.)
2. Manage money responsibly. How? Keep daily travel tracker, pay off 2019 taxes and get ahead of 2020 quarterly taxes, and develop better system for invoicing.
Very much a win at the spirit of the law while a failure on the letter. I haven’t kept a daily tracker of what I’m spending, though that’s partially because I only really leave the house once a week to grocery shop and I don’t really buy non-food things anymore (did start buying books again, and did invest $150 in skincare, which I think might actually be working so I have no regrets) so there’s not much to be tracking.
I did pay off my 2019 taxes and proactively set up a separate account for my 2020 estimated payments, which I’ve been paying quarterly with the help of my accountant, and I’m rebuilding my invoicing system with a goal ff having it finished this month.
3. Maintain nest egg. Stretch goal: contribute to it. How? Do not touch “back to real life” savings and ideally, add to them.
Another big win. My short-term savings / emergency fund is full up, and this quarter, I had enough excess income to save for retirement for the first time I went freelance (I maxed out my IRA contributions!) and start putting money into a brokerage account again, which I haven’t done since I left Bridgewater. It feels really great.
Grow as a writer and creator.
1. Work with more editors and reach more readers. How? Publish in at least five new outlets, at least one of which to be print. Specifically, I’d like to write more book reviews, women at work stories, tech stories, travel pieces, and personal essays this year.
A win, but like last quarter, only barely. I’ve deprioritized pitching entirely, only pitching one op-ed at a new outlet (tbd if it gets accepted, but it’s not looking good), two news pieces for an outlet I’ve worked for before (not accepted), and several service journalism pieces for a longtime editor (accepted). I have a document full of story ideas I’d like to flesh out and pieces I’d like to pitch, but I haven’t felt like pursuing them, particularly because reporting a story is really, really hard work that just isn’t worth it when it works out to getting paid less than half of my normal rate for content marketing or sponsored editorial work. I would like to spend more time on this in Q4, because those bylines are fun to get and I want to keep developing myself as a reporter, a personal essayist, and a critic. Here’s me planning to hold myself to that.
A running total of my new outlets this year: WSJ (print), Slate, Teen Vogue. Fodors is upcoming, and I filed a story with Airbnb Magazine (to come out in print) pre-pandemic that is on indefinite hiatus. Would still like to try for a few more.
2. Grow my community. How? Be active on writing Twitter and use that + Instagram to connect with other writers, maintain relationships with editors, and host some kind of writing event (not unlike my 2019 Galentines event, but focused on writing specifically).
This goal is a fail. I have been spending more time on Twitter, and have interacted with some of my favorite writers there, which always feels fun, but I haven’t committed real time or effort to growing a community there. And I’ve pulled away from Instagram recently, having realized that it’s really not great for my mental health, particularly post-breakup. But while it’s a fail in every way—I’ve achieved neither the goal itself or the habits that might lead to achieving the goal down the line—I do kind of like the distance I’ve been able to get from social media in general.
All in all, my network of other writers / freelancers is okay, but I’d like it to be stronger. Maybe next year.
3. Be a top-notch content marketer and continue to gain professional experience to build into a career, if and when I stop traveling. How? Have at least 5 regular corporate clients and pitch new ones at least once a month, and ask for and act on their feedback.
This is a win, and I can tell because I’ve been asked by three clients to come on full-time. No opportunity has felt entirely right, but I’m working to keep the doors open, because I’d love to do this in a deeper way for one company at some point. For now, I’m happy with the clients I currently have, the continuous learning I’m doing, and the feedback I’m getting.
I’d be remiss not to mention a major area of growth for me to do here, though, which is to be more on top of the logistics of work. While I’ve never turned in work late, I have messed up invoices and missed meetings, the latter of which I’m really embarrassed about. The ancillary excuses are understandable—I double-booked myself, I forgot to look at my calendar before setting my alarm for the next day, I got time zones wrong—but the root cause comes down to me being cavalier and careless when it comes to other people’s time, which is out of line with my values.
Love and honor my body and brain.
1. Be active on a regular basis. How? Hit at least 10,000 steps a day.
A fail, technically, since my 2020 step count is 9,200/day. I’m working on it, though, and hoping to inch back up there before the end of the year. Lots of 12,000-step days ahead, we hope?
2. Eat better. How? Eat vegetables every day, dessert NOT every day, and eat meat 3-4x/week versus every day. Honestly, if I could just reverse the amount of chocolate and the amount of spinach I eat, I’d be golden. The meat thing is both for my health (the meat I most often eat is usually red meat or highly processed meat, neither of which is ideal) and for the environment’s health.
A maybe. I feel like I’m eating relatively well—at least now; there definitely were some very sad meals for a while there—especially since I’m cooking 98% of my own food (with takeout pizza being the rare exception). I eat fruits and vegetables every day, and these past few months of living with pescatarian Ang, I’ve cut my consumption of meat by at least two thirds, replacing it with lots of tofu + beans + yogurt + eggs + fish instead. I do still eat dessert every day—sometimes twice a day, which I really am working on—but it’s felt like a vital ritual, especially in a pandemic where pleasures are few and far between. The frustrating thing is realizing that I’ve gained some weight in the last year or so, wanting to lose it, and not feeling like I’m making good progress on that goal despite focused effort to eat better and be active. Ugh.
3. Continue to find ways I love to be active—and do them. How? When in one place for a while, find a Pilates studio and do that. When not, take dance classes, go for long walks, and do circuit training while I watch TV—but be active more regularly, all around.
A win, kind of. Can’t do Pilates in a pandemic, but I am working out at least 3x/week and I feel great about that. It’s a bit annoying how true it is that exercise makes you feel better. I’ve also taken to doing weekly dance sessions on the deck, just me and a pair of headphones and a lot of reggaeton. It’s therapy.
4. Read constantly and widely. How? Read three books a month, at least one of which is not a novel. Keep tracking my reading, sharing my recommendations, and asking for friends’.
A win! I’m also in a new book club with old coworkers and I’ve loved close-reading books and getting to talk about them with others in real time. A reminder to everyone and anyone that if you have a book club, I probably want to be in it. I’ve fallen off reading in the past few weeks (cough, Neopets) but I have four new books going right now and it feels good to be back.
5. Actually get better at reading in Spanish. How? Read one article a week in Spanish and discuss it with a Spanish-speaking friend.
A win! I don’t always read a full article a week, but I do read one every couple of weeks with my beautiful friend Laura, who I met in Mexico City and who reached out to me after reading my Q2 goals update to see if I wanted to chat about articles with her. I’m so very thrilled she did. We’ve read (and talked) about how feminism has impacted sex ed, the future of movie theaters post-pandemic, why community-driven art is sometimes looked down on, and several other topics, and I truly think it’s helping me hold on to my Spanish.
I’ve also started following a lot of Spanish-speaking writers and critics on Twitter and reading their threads have been highly educational for both language and history acquisition.
6. Try new things and be unafraid to fail at them. How? I’ll let myself not have determined all the answers re: things that might interest me, but some to start with: making sourdough bread, getting better at salsa dancing, learning more pottery and ceramics, learning the piano, picking up a new language, making jam, rock climbing, and more.
Like I wrote about last quarter, I’ll call this a maybe, because while I haven’t tried a laundry list of new things, I have settled in comfortably to new(ish) things. Take this time in Washington: I’ve paddleboarded, meditated, hiked, and cooked a great deal and enjoyed all of it. I could’ve tried to learn the piano while here, but my brain didn’t feel like it had the space to keep me alive + do my work + find pockets of joy in the everyday while also memorizing scales.
I have kept trying new things at work, though, whether that’s writing an essay in a different style than my usual, taking on bigger projects with more stakeholders, or writing on different beats.
Invest in my relationships and communities, even (or especially) when I’m on the road.
1. New: Re-learn how to be alone and to be enough.
It feels strange to call this a win, because I don’t feel like I’m past it. I don’t feel like I’m as good as new. I don’t feel like the love I had for Diego is all gone.
But I have been reminded, especially in these last few weeks, that I am enough.
That I can take care of myself. That I can make myself laugh. That I can love myself and others, others I know already and others that are still to come.
I’ll be leaving Washington in a few weeks, and I feel like a different person than the person I was when I got here. It’s not been a complete transformation—I feel like a second cousin versus a perfect stranger—but I feel sure that this will not break me. Not in the long run. And that is now I know I am enough.
2. Be a good sister and a good daughter. How? Love and accept my family. Call often. Be generous with time, forgiveness, and money. Spend a week+ with my family at least once in 2020.
I don’t know if I’ll articulate this goal the same way next year. Who defines good? Me, or them? What happens when those definitions diverge? Can you be a good version of yourself for someone else if that means saying goodbye to the chance of being a good version of yourself for you? Should you?
I’ll leave this as a maybe again.
3. Stay in touch with my friends and show them love. How? Prioritize the money and time to show up at their weddings. Call regularly—catch up with at least one person at length each week. See friends in person and invite them to come to me when I’m in one place for a while. Acknowledge that regularity does not make a friendship, but that depth of connection does, and prioritize maintaining that.
Still a win, though obviously the weddings and the in-person hangs are off for now. Thank the good Lord we no longer live in a world of counting cell phone minutes, because at least 80 percent of the credit for me feeling at least 80 percent sane is thanks to phone calls with my friends.
One foot in front of the other (and soon we’ll be walking out of 2020) (we hope)
I forgot to write a Q3 update the first year I did these. I wrote about how it felt like the second half of the year kind of collapsed in on itself and raced by. I’d stopped traveling all the time and moved to Buenos Aires. I’d been in love for the first time. I did the same thing last year, distracted with finishing up my U.S. road trip and starting a life in Mexico City.
Even without major lifestyle changes, though, the third quarter is definitely the least interesting of the four. The first’s got the juicy appeal of novelty. The fourth’s got the delicious richness of closure. The second’s a chance to build speed towards your goals. The third is just…there.
That’s especially true in a pandemic, where every month of the last six has somehow felt both exhilaratingly, terrifyingly novel and terrifically mundane.
Maybe that’s why it’s especially important to section off these last three months and make some meaning from them. Maybe that’s why I’m publishing a Q3 goals update for the first time.
Because at the end of the day—or the month or the quarter or the year—all of those ways of measuring time are just things we make up. The problems we have today won’t magically disappear when 2021 comes rushing in. In fact, it won’t rush in at all, not really. Years are like oceans. All of them made of the same material, flowing together, defined with arbitrary borders by the humans at their mercy.
It may seem futile to enforce time-blocked accountability on time itself. But does it not also seem optimistic?
It feels that way to me.
Until next time, friends.
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